Kicking off 2012

It’s the first Sunday of 2012 The Year of the Mayan Revenge and most of the world is starting out with a pounding head and we can hear snails crawl from half a block away. Sleeping late is rarely an option because there is always someone in the house that wants to get up and watch the Tournament of Roses Parade from Pasadena. I suggest a straight backed chair and duct tape for those individuals – just pull the tape very gently so the zzzzzzzzsssssssshhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaakkkkkkkk sound it makes while being pulled doesn’t aggravate your hangover.

Many people will make New Year’s Resolutions, most likely the same ones they make every year. I think about making some every year, but that would break a resolution I made in 1967 to never make any more New Year’s resolutions. Before that I would set the bar pretty low – resolutions included breathing, occasional naps, reading comic books, and remembering to take my house key when I went to school.

That last one was pretty hard to keep, but I managed and through sheer willpower I have continued with all of those resolutions.

So, while I am happy to continue to honor those long held promises, that doesn’t go over too well with the other people in my house. Recently my lovely wife Holly told me she would be making some resolutions for me and if I wanted to continue to sleep indoors, I better follow them. Not wanting to become the only member of Occupy My Front Yard, I figured I should at least make a real attempt at these.

Number One: Fix dinner once in a while. This does not mean pick up something from a fast food joint, make a peanut butter sandwich, or fire up the barbecue grill. Anything that involves a mountain of charcoal, two cans of lighter fluid, an explosion, singed eyebrows and a trip to the emergency room does not constitute fixing dinner. However, I will accept dinner at a place where you must wear a jacket and tie, there are cloth napkins and none of the meals are prefaced with the word “Happy.”

Number Two: Bringing in the groceries consists of two parts, bringing them into the house, then putting them up in the proper cabinets. We’re going to work on completing that second part.

Number Three: Since all the neighbors are on the same recycling schedule, you can’t fool anybody by leaving the plastic bins at the curb for an extra day, or two, or three. They need to get put away the same day that the recyclables are picked up.

Number Four: You can actually take the trash out any day of the week, not just wait until midnight the day before it gets picked up. Really. I know that seems like blasphemy, but you can take the trash out, then replace the bag inside the trash can.

Number Last: The back seats of our cars should not look like a reverse archaeological dig, where things are piled up in layers until the entire back seat is covered. We do have to occasionally transport mothers, children, dogs, and stuff so a clear back seat would come in handy.

So I have a question for the Mayans out there who might be reading this right now. Do we know when the world will be ending in 2012? I mean a firm date. Because if it’s sometime in the first quarter, I might be able to get away with a few excuses and to why I didn’t do any of these things. But, if it’s later in the year, like September onward, I better at least make some kind of effort to pick up the recycling bins and take the trash out. I don’t know about your household, but around mine when the wife says I’m sleeping on the sofa, there is no appeal process. Begging, sure, but that usually doesn’t work. I think it’s the ducky pajamas. No one looks secure and masculine in ducky pajamas.

So, until I get an answer from my Mayan readers I guess I better try to do something around the house. But not until after the Tournament of Roses Parade. Don’t want to spoil her.